|Chapter Number||O -I|
|Chapter Title||INTRODUCTION TO THE STORY|
|Newspaper Title||The Brisbane Courier (Qld. : 1864 - 1933)|
|Trove Title||Bobby Shuttle's Holiday|
BOBBY SHUTTLE'S HOLIDAY.
INTRODUOSHUN TO TH' STORY.
WHEN aw wura yung felly aw geofc invoitod to a ball, at which there wur to be lots o foine ladies. Aw would't ha said ayo to th' invita nhun, but that Sayroh Spraggings wur to be one oth perty, ua bur un me had done a biti'thsweet hertin loine, un aw wur inoloined for dooin a bit mooar. Wer'e neaw mon un woifo. Awd one greight partikilur objeeshun to gooin, which, under any other circumstances, aw should noor lia undertaon to get oor; that wur, aw wur freetunt oth ceremony uv introducshun ; aw couldn't satisfy my fears ut aw should get through wi oredit ; aw fancied aw should bo awkurd un treighd uppo somebuddy's toes ; um in imaginashun, aw could seo nowt but a lot o wimmin's faces titterin un lowfin oather at my blunders or my awkurtness. Boliovo mo, aw couldn't ha felt wuss if awd bin on tho peighnt o beoin hung. Just neaw aw feel that th' wust pert oth task at awve undertakken to perform is that o introduein myBol un my book to " a generous and discriminatin publie" Introduc sliuns are never pleasant, unless they bo in troducshuns to a big fortin, or a good dinner, or summat o that sort. Hooa con holp feelin awkurd un quare on beein introduced to a perty, a multitude, a blushin yung lady, or a peawson ut wants to overhaul one's sinB. Th* best fillosophy, aw behove, is to do uz is recom- mended on gooin to a bath, not to stond frimblin, un dithorin, un Bhilly-shallyin on tho brink, but lo goo bazz reet oor th' yod at wonst. So witheawt any fur ceremony, loiko Jimmy Stappleton's cat, aw'll make a bolt at my tale. It's no use, heawever, just allow mo to say, stertin off wi a lot o foine promises abeawt th* good things ut aw intend to set beforo my readers. Aw leöv um, loiko Tim Dootson's woife did her perty, to judge o my puddin makin, un my janius for spoico, by th' tastp oth dainty when its put on th' table,-hopin, still, as every author has a rect un a privilcgo to do, thai my producshun ull foind a placo on every family tablo wheore harmless fun, blended \ii fillosophy, hailt wi a oheerin welcome.
When ftwm awhoam, un ith good owd teawn in which aw oatoht th' fust glimpsh o dayleot, awm i' Bow tun, or, raythur, to be parttkilar i' statin my facts, aw live, OB owd Jinny-o Josses, o Tumfowt, used to say, when hoo wur roitin to th' war office abeawt sotno arrears o pay uf hoo thowt wur duo to liur as th' mother uv a strappin soadiur ut doed ith service oth Queen ith West Indies, " aw prosoido just ith rhuburba oth teawn ¡" un if anybuddy wants to know my age, in case they should be taen wi a fancy for becummin my second woife, ith event (which God in his greight morey forbid for yers to come) o my present owd woman docin, aw dun not moind tollin um ut aw m i' my forty-fust
At th' beginnin o this yer aw met wi a deol o matter ith Manchester pappors abeawt th* Eggsibishun o Hert Troashuaos which wur to be oppent in a palace at Owd Traffort, i' May. Awd yerd a good bit concermn it beforo that, but awd not thowt mitoh abeawt it. But when th' pappcrs begun to print lists o picturs un curious things ut th' Queen un noblemen i' different perts oth country had made up their moulds to Bend deawn to th' eggsibishun, aw couldn't help but begin to feel a bit b interest ith consern. Every newBpapperwelly ith th' country begun to mako a flourish o trumpets abeawt it ; un as the buildin geot tort th' finish, thoir praises uv ite beauty un oth richness un rarity oth trcashurcs ut it wur destined fo contain, coom thicker un faster. Bobby, aw says to my- self one mornin, after roadin ith papper that Prince Albert had grayshusly condescended to be present at th' opponin ceremony, thcaw mun have a trip oer to Manchester at th' oppenin day, un if thoaw connot get into th' buildin to ycr_th' opponin nomony gone through, un to feost thy con on th' grandeur oth scone, thcaw may praps get a fair sect oth Queon's husband un oth other greight nobs un ull bo ith pro ccsshun to th' palace ; un thcaw cou seo also th' colors ut ull bo shuro to bo flyiu i' aw perts oth teawn, uu th' docoroBhuns o publio buildins un heawses un aro awlus displayed in a loyal teawn loiko Manchester on sitch hauspishus
But, tawkin to one's sel is royther a ninny hommerish sort uv a practiso ; so aw lcopt at wonst to th' conclushun, loiko th' spcighker when ho finisht o teetotal speech by jumpin amung th' creawd, that awd tawk to eawr Sayroh on th' subject, mako hur a sharer o my intenshuns, un see if, for wonst hoo'd not soar above hur owd jiorriteh-makin un bobbin woindin habits, un go wi mo to soo th' grand foak un th' grand sects at Manchester.
It happent to be abcaWt broighkfust toime just then, so aw at wonBt gien my shuttle its hawve-heawr's halladay, gcet off th' seot-booart, un mogged up eawt oth loom-shop into th' heawse. Th' ushual mornin's oggsibishun, aw may just romork, wur gooin on. Eawr Bill, un eawr Aybrum, un eawr Faiby Ann wur stonnin reawnd th' tablo, v. i a bason un a plate a-piece be- fore um, un hkin a spoonas a hint to their mother, who wur fiddlin away wi a porritch-sloicc ith stiff Ruchat pon, that as soon as over hoo'd their allotted messes ready, thoy wur quito pre- pared to make Bhort werk wi um.
Aw waited till th' porritch wur soided, un then me un my owd woman keawrt deawn to eawr coffee, havin fust sent eawt th' childer to play um, that we met have eawr mornin meal in peace un quietness. Be it understood, heaw- ever, that they'd each on un a buttycoko i' their hont, a dainty allowed at th' eloso uv every porritch-eitin beawt, just, as their mother had it, " to make up their meawths wi,"
Sayroh, aw says, a3 soon as ever we geet to th' eend oth fast cupt theaw's yerd o this greight Hert Eggsibishun, uts to be i' Manchester,
A hert eggsibishun, Bobby ? hoo says, settin hur windows woido opptiu, as if to let in mooar dayleet, wot mack uv a hert eggiibiahun, for
goodness sake ?
Howd on, aw says, awm puttin it rung ; awm puttin it rung ; awm leovin eawt 'a word ; aw should ha said an eggsibishun ohert treashures.
Well, hoo says, aw may be gawmless, but aw dunnot reetly catch at wot theaw moona yet. Iheaw knows aw awlus took theo to be my hert
So theaw did, owd duck, aw says, un -aw hope aw am so, un that awst awlus continue so,
As lung as ever aw live, bobby, hoo onswert, no other treshnro ull have a boidin place next my hert. Therwrt still to me wot theaw wur when we used to ramble togethor np Bobby-o Nutto's fields, un when we used to go eawt oth smook un th' bustle oth teown to owd Mary Grinno's, uv a' Sunday afternoon, to wawk
abeawt in hur garden, un tak curran cakse un tay wi hur.
Eh, aw says, thoose wur happy days. Aw wur sunshoighne thon ; not a derk oloawd hung oer eawr path. Un, let me soo, Sayroh, theaw sont me a vojantine wouBt, wi a verse o thy own makin written in it. Wot wur it? Does t' recollect ?
Recoiloot ! hoo exolaimt, awst novcr forget it, Bobby, for aw hum it oor to mysel neaw monny a toime ; un does t' know, it works loiko a chorm. Whenevor thoaw stops ôaw t a bit late, or gets a sope too mitch drink, or bo's awkurt a bit loike ith hoawso, un aw feel my blood gettin up, un my tung pantin to blow thee up, that bit oth verse chocks into my yed, un, as if by enchantment, my blood goes cool, my roisiug posshun slinks deawn ogon, my tung gics oer pantin, un aw feel aw my desoiro floita thee smothert in a flood o love un recollecshuns oth gowdcu days uv youth.
Just rosoite that vorse neaw, aw says, for its a lung toime sin aw yerd it, un my rccollecshun on't is but very unsortin.
Aw will, hoo soys, un then hoo went on just as prattily as if hoo'd' bin sayin a piece at
Oh, a treashure oi have, mi It dwells nort my Uort,
Un u 1 that dear treashuro for worlds old not pert ;
Comouliiter, come summer, come storm, or come calm, Bob's loi o is to mo the best cordial balm.
That's it, aw says, un as th' chap says ith play, when aw yer it, " neaw th' owd toimo come« oer me ¡" aw feel as if aw wur livin my sweethortin days oer ogen. But, abeawt thooso hert trcashures ut aro to bo modo a show on at Manchester.
Aye, well, hoo says, just gio mo an uiBoet into th' mconin on um. Let's know wot thoy're up to ith big oity.
Well, aw says, thoy're buildin, or have bujlt, which comes to th' Banio thinj ith lung run, a
palaco, un aw eawt o eighron willy un glass.
Waw, then, hoo says, it ull be a dangerous gam to throw Btonos ith nayburhood.
Rnythur, aw says. But dunno interrupt mo. As aw wur telling theo, they'n built this placo, which thoy cawn a " palace," portly wot bocauso its sitoh a wopper, pertly wot becauso it sitch a magnificent structure
Heore, stop, hoo says, thcaw knows awm not hco-larnt; awm not loiko Phil Hallowi's sow pig ut lived two days on an owd diokshunary, aw dunno gawni wot theaw meonB by a
A structure, aw says,-for that's the nattural way o.proneawnoifying th' word, is nobbut a foine substituto for th' word buildin or hodifice.
Oh, hoo says, aw soe, awm that mitch woisor then, so get on wi thy tale
Well, aw says, as aw wur tollin theo, they cawn this buildin a palace portly wot beoause its sitch a wopper, portly wot bocauso its sitoh a magnificent structure, un pertly wot bocauso its to bo used for a graud and noblo purpose.
Un wot is that purpose ? hoo says.
Awn cummin to that vory peighnt, aw soys, if theaw'll husht. Its to.bo used for wot they cown an eddikashunal purposo-wot foak loike ÜB would cawn a teiohable purpose.
It ull be loike a Sunday, skoo, then ? hoo
Nay, not exactly, aw says, a Sunday skoo, thcaw knows, js a placo whooro poor lads un wenches ut are workin aw th' wick roawnd got a bit o book lorniu, an inseet into th' Scripturs, a knowledge o religion, a talent for singin hymus, proper behaviour durin prayors, un a disposishun for pioty. But this palace is in- tended to cultivate amung th' masses a mooar puro un refoinod un clovated tasto for aw that's subloimo un beautiful in hort. So its to bo hung reawiid wi pictures, painted by the groightcBt painters uv different ages un to con- tain imagos-skulptert Aggers they cawn un aynshunt hcrmour, bronze werk', specimens o ohcyney, owd coins, owd furniture
Egodlin, boo says, we may seo owd furniture cnoof, un not goo eawt o this street.
Ayo, aw says, but this owd furnituro ut awm speighkin abeawt has bolunged to greight foak in owd toimes, uu is very curious un wondorful in workmanship. Un then, besoidos aw these things, there's to bo crinkum-erankums, un aw sorts o quare, owd-fashunt, un valuablo trinkla monta, sitch as aw connot descroibe.
Well, Jioo says, nwve no deawbt but it will bo a grand sect.
It ull bo sitch a soct, aw says, uz sorao twenty yer baok, when theaw roto thooso loinos abeaw' thy bert treashure, or goet somobuddy to roito um for thee, which is aw, th' same to me
Nay, neaw Bobby, hoo says, noano o thy slurrin, aw wrote thoose loincs mysel, aw did for shure. Sink it, mon, my pen producshuns are so few, do let mc ha credit for wot belungs
Well, aw says, theaw Bhall ; but, sin wo wur wed, theaw knows, awve never soon thoo roito a loino abeawt owt ; so we'll Bay ut when theaw wont wi mo to th' High Menial altar, th' torch uv Hymen so cawtdazzled th' feighur o thy own janius, that it frcetunt it into inactivity for th' rest o thy loifc.
Neaw, thcaw knows as weel as mo, Bobby, hoo says, that when a woman gots wod un has a heawse to look after un a ruck o childer, hoo's summat else to do than spon'd hur toime i' roitin peotry.
Aye, aw says, but these's plenty o wimmin ut aw know ut when they wur on th' hunt for a husband wur as industrious as spoiders, but when they goet wed thoy considert ut they'd summat else to spend their toime on than workin, un so took,to novel reading, gossipin, im tay-drinkin.
But awm not one o thooso sort, theaw knows, hoo says, un that makes aw th' difference, un gics me the best oth argiment.
Granted, aw sayB, for awm not obstinate; but, as aw wur sayin, this eggsibishun ull bo one oth grandest seetsut ever wur tobe seen i' this pert oth country, a scet which, twenty yer back,'
foak didn't nor couldn't dreom abeawt ; un awve no deawbt but as, as a tcichablo agent, it ull bo quite as good, if not bettor.
Theaw moons, hoo says, it ull be oth two o mooar use than ornimeut, loike eawr Pee's
That's just my meonin, aw says, for its an opinion o moine that ttf moind sooner grabs at owt when placed fizzieally before it, than when it has to gether its ideas fro books. Books, uv course, are rare good thingB; aw wouldn't tak. fro um a yure's-breighd o their due, for by their help the thowts un discoveries un knowledge o men that live i' any age may be honded deawn to th' last generashun that's privileged to smirch up fresh air un perform a pilgrimage on this earth ; they make the mornds un deeds uv men, as it wur, immortal, un treashure up, for the benefit uv ageB un ages to come, wot would otherwoise be nobbut benefishal to a Bingle age or generashun. But, for teichable purposes,
they're not, aw think, so weel out eawt as objects.
Crazy Betty's an object, ohinied in eawr Sayroh; but i' wot way cou hoo instruct a gawmless mojad, better thau a book ? Come
aw ha theo theero.
Crazy Betty is an objeot, true, aw says, but hcaw so ? Aoo's an object o pity. Wot aw mcon by objects is things ut con bo soon. ThuB, for instance, eawr sawt-box is an object ; un Bupposo aw wanted to gio ono uv eawr childer an ideo oth shape 'on't, aw mot tawk" till aw wur dreigh ith meawth happen afore aw should perfeot my job ; but if aw could sot it on th' table boforo his eon, uu Bay " Sithoo, that's a sawt-box," it would bo done in a
Aw see neaw, hoo says, wot theaw moons.
Then, aw says, aw'll save my woint a bit, un como to th' peighnt. Awve a dosoiro to goo to Manchester, un see this greight oggsibishun, un to tak theo wi mo ; un as Priuco Alborfc ull bo theero on tho opponin day, un as there'll bo a grand proccsshun, un bands o music, un colors flyin, uu aw know not wot bosoido, aw propose ut wo tak a hallody, un goo oer on that day.
But wot id! th' expense be ? hoo says.
Waw, aw says, tho railroad foak havo had an angel-visit lately, un havo had a bit o genorosity crommed into um, so they've dropt their thard closs return tickets to J.3. Cd. Eawr roidin, thorofore, ull lie us i'- 3s., un it ull not tak mitch besolde.
Aw'll gooa, Bobby, hoo says, if its nobbut to picos theo. So, witheawt any fur prcamblo wo'll say its sottlod, un neaw got to thy work.
Aw will, aw sayB, un aw'll try if between neaw un th' toimo aw connot w'eighvo nu oxtri
out or two.
Wi that aw went deawn into th' loom-shop agen, un never did a mon woighve wi a bettor hort than aw did, in oxpootaBhun that my in. dustry would bo reworded by a sect oth grand eggsibishun.
Heere oendoth my Chapter o Introducshun.
TH' FÜST CHAPTER.
TH' fifth o May wur th' day sot apert for th' opponin oth greight Hert Treashuros Eggsibi- shun at Mapchoster. Th' Awmonaoks wur aw unanimous i' sayin ut it would loot on th Tuesday, un experience provod ut thoy wur root. As luck would havo it, th' mornin wur a gradely noice un-to use a superfoino word, .overythin scomt propishus. Aw goet eawt o bed wi a leet hort, un brimful o hopo un sweet antisipashun, just before that owd layrum clock uv cawrs mado its neighsy anncawncemeut that it wur BÍX o'clook. Th' fust thing that aw did wur to poo up th' wiudow-bloind un try my proflshuncy in woathorology, un aw felt satisfiod ut we wur boawnt have a foino day. Th' sun hod gotten up un oawt afore mo j it wur marchin away brcawdly 'ith east, wi a faco mooar than ushuolly breot, K awd not known a toothroy Bkynomical facts, aw should ho bin incloined to say that it ud had its chops Fronoh-poliaht or nowly burnisht for the oo cayBhun. Th' woint wur juBt Mowin i* gontlo puffs, as if in a Btato uv uncertainty whether to havo a play-day or not in honor oth ovout ut wur to tak placo ; un not a senglc black oleawd had vonturt to stroido across Riwiton Poiko, un Bbow its Bulky face oer Lostock. To uso a Cocknor speeoh, " aw wur soreno."
Satisfiod wi my obsorvashuns aroawt, aw pood in my yod, un informt Sayroh that the Bky wur full o soigns un tokens uv a foino day.
Aw thowt it would bo a foino day, hoo says, for yon cat uv cawrs wur very quiot last night,
Eawr Sayroh, yoa mun undorstond, awlus foawnds hur opinions oth th' bohaviour uv eawr Peg. It hoo lies quiet on th' hoawsoBtono, or, in wawkin across tho heawse, moves as if hoo wur under a eollum impresshun ut th' family wur at prayers, that, eawr Sayroh says, is a Bhuro soign nt th' next day is to bo a vory foino un ; but if Miss Bawdrons whisks hur tail abeawt now un then, un twitches it as if a flea wur boitin th' root on't, un ruiiB harum-scarum abeawt the heawse, jumpin on th' ohoors un off agon as if the seots wur red-woot, un makes sudden derts up-stairs un aiquilly as sudden rushes down ogen, un behaves horsol generally as if hoo wur afllictod wi afitofhcrazyBkuttors, then Sayroh concludes that th' followin day ull bo woindy un stormy. But for aw uz we'n bin wed nigh twenty yor, aw mun confoss that my obs'ervashun un oxporienco dunnot qualify mo to say whethor hoo's root or rung in hur theory.
Bcsoide, hoo says ogen, foindin"ut my tung wur Btill, isn't it nattural uz it should bo foine on sitoh an occashun ?
Its nattural to bo foine, shure enoof, aw says, if th' woint's in a good temper, un th' cleawds
ut howd rain aro far enoof off.
- But aw dunnot moon that, hoo says. Aw incon, isn't it nattural uz it should bo foino when th' Queen's husband has to appear jn a processhun ith oppen air? Its awlus foino when th' Queen goos fro whoam, un so aw suppose it awlus will bo when hur good mon goos eawt too.
Awve read Bummat oth sort somowhooro, aw says; but aw connot say ut aw beliovo ith noshun. Th' samo Providence ,ut watches oor Kings un Queens, watches oer the mconest wretch that's in existence. Theaw knows th' owd book says that even a Bparrow connot faw to th' greawnd witheawt bein noatist. Kings un Queens, to be shure, un aw other greight foak ut pcorch on the top 'staves oth ladder o society, have oshuns a good things, un a thcaw sand-fowd mooar meons o enjeighment than sitch'n as wo ; but that's not because Provi- dence has selected um iro th' mass to sheawr his blessinB on. Thcy'n no better nattural gifts than we han. Amung th' poorer eend o society there's hundreds, aye, theawsands, blest wi strength uv limb, towfness o constitushun, vigior uv appetoito, un splendid general health; un there's hundreds too wi gifts uv moind that add mooar glory to th' brow than a royal creawn, nn ut benefit monkoind mooar than aw th' pomp, un prade, un ceremony uv royal courts. Look at thee un me, neaw ; we're poor -poor enoof, God knows, un wo han to fag herd enoof to foind eawrsels un eawr childer wi stummack fuel ; but we manish eawr task, un oheerily; un we're blest wi Honest herts un good disposishuns, un we love'n one another, un eawr childer too, un th' childer love us, un we reBpeet eawr neyburs ; un i' that love un that respeot wo fotnd a sunsheigeno that leets up this eawr humble cot wi a blaze o true happi- ness sitch as hundreds o Dukes un other toitlcd
grandees would be fain to parchase wi thy whole fortins. We con read abeawt Nepoleon o Franco, un Bomba o Naples, un Francis Joseph o Austria; un wot do we foind? Not happiness ; but loive.B uv terror nn npprehen shun, th' nattural consequences uv ambishun,
hertless misrule, bobbery, oxtorshun, tryanny, un a tramplin on God's best gift'to mon liberty uv conshunce un freedom uv thowt. Their courts may bo dookcd wi royal pomp, their coffers may be full o gowd, thoir palaces may roival in splendor th' fablod grandour do scroibcd ith Rabian Nights, un thoy may sit un drink till meight un drink lose their savvnr, un they may wear the moasfc costly elooas, un havo hundrods o parasoitojä buzzin flattery i' thoir yor-holes fro mornin to neot, un havo theawsonds o servants to jump when thoy speighk, tromblo whon they nod, un Hy when thoy command ; un whon thoy wawk forth in publio their subjects moy cringe, un kneol, un cry " Lung livo your royal majesties !" un rub their abjeot yods i'th vory dust aboowt thoir feot ; but uotwithstandin aw HUB, whon they retoire into th' proivney o thoir chambers un rcfloot, if ton thoawsand obouBin angels dunnot harrow their oonshunces till boll itsel Bncins gapin boforo um' awm no fillosofor, uu wot Uttlo study awvo had o human naytur has bin as profitless as owd Tim Pilshaw's labbur whon ho triod to convert their Dick fro ono soot to
anothor by purriu him roawnod th' yort.
Waw, soys cowr Sayroh, did owd Pilshaw do
So its roportod, aw soys, un Diok, when ho'd done, towd him ho'd gion hisBol a dcol o troublo for nowt, for ho'd bia áppealin to th' rung
Well, Booby, hoo says,' aw novor yord thoo mak sitoh a spoooh afore Thoaw mun ha bin praotisin for a doo i'th Temporáneo How, owm
Nay, aw says, awvo not ; my dandor wur up o bit that's aw, to think ut it should oven bo supposed that Providenoo had blost sitoh wrotchos as awvo bin tawkin aboowt, unafllictod us wi poverty un teighl. Thoy'ro greight, as th1 word's usod, whioh signifies that thoy'ro gianst in wickedness un fiond-loiko tyranny j but in God's host gifts-honest hortB, poacoful moulds, oontontod spirrits, oonohunces void uv offence, hermlcssuess uv disposishuu, good-will to mon, un a poawr to look furrud with steadiness uu confldonco to th' futuro, thoy'ro as poor as rottons. Thero's not ono, aw'll bo bun, that dar Bpond a howvo-on-noawr in oontomplotin his fato whon ho loovs this earth un aw'll thooso moro ginscako glories, with whioh ho's at prosont surroawndod.
But, hoaw abeawt eawr Quoon uu hur hus- band ? says Sayroh.
Oh, God bless um booth, aw Bays, thoy dun- not bolung to th' samo brood as thooso rasoots abroad. Wotovcr goos rung i' this oountry, thoy'ro not to bloino for't. Thoy'n booath on um gradely good Christian berts, un if thoy could, thoy would, make aw thoir subjects happy. Bosoidos, they're vartuous; thoy'n no'or bin guilty o thooso durty intrigues un dobouohors whioh disgraoe so niony othor oroawn't yeds ; un thoy look'n woel after thoir family un, un,-to out it short, Sayroh they behavo'n thoirsolf loiko foak ut understand th' responsibilities o thoir stayshun, un ut bolievo that peawr wur trusted to rulors not to oppress, but to blosB their subjects.
Thoaw's juBt my noshuuB to o T, says Sayroh bat aw'll oxouBo thoo for proichin any niooor just neaw. As theaWrt dress, away -ni thoo deawn th' Btairs, blash up th' foighur, uu got on wi thy ooffoo makin.
Aw will, aw says, uu nw'll do it loiko a loddy
So, aw pottort off doawn th' stairs, blasht up th* foighur, wioh had bin rakod at th' oor-neot, Bet th' kottlo on, toidiod up a bit, un got ovory thin ready for Sayroh un mo enjoighin a com fortablo broighfust.
Just as it wur ready, un thal wur in aboawt throo quortcrs uv on hoawr fro th' toimo ut aw stortod o my job, oawr Sayroh wur roady too, uu coom very giugorly down th' stairs. Yoo known hoo'd gotten hur best Sunday boots on which hoo'd bowt, un (as hoo loikod to oxpross
it) gicn a gradoly honest proico for at Boswiok's I shop i' Churchgato; un whon hoo'd thooso
boots on hoo awlus lifted on her tocB a bit un wawkt aB if boo wur a woman in a stayshuu o loifo a little bit hoour than th' woifo uv Bobby Shuttle, caddow weighvur. There met ha bin Borne magie abeawt th' soles.
Aw fun, on caBtiug a glent at hur, that hoo'd put on her vory best things ; ayo, hoo'd ovon put on hor plumbblago stuff droBB which ho'd bowt at Henry's i' Dcinsgato, whon hur sister Jinny wur wed, un whioh hoo'd doolarod often un oftoa ogen, wur too good to woar evon on Sundays rogilurly ; un oer hur arm wur a shawl ut hoo'd bowt at Shollord un Hodgson's, Dcinsgato, Manchester, last Aister Monday un which hoo thinks is not to bo aquilt for'quality un proico i' aw Inglonshirc. Hoo's but hod it on throo times sin it wur bowt, un aw railly believe, though awm not quite shuro, ut boo intends it to be hur a bettor shawl twenty yers boneo. It wur a proof to mo ut boo lookt un hur visit to Manchester as an important event, un, aw'll be bun, if th' truth wur known, ut hoo had an bco runnin in hur ycd that as hoo wur gooin to a city whooro ladies would bo fliterin abeawt wolly as thick as boas in a butoher's shamblos, hoo mut appear in hur best, un hoo'd suffer by comparison: for-un aw say this in a whisper-wiminin are ow aloike, thoy cannot do wi been bowt WUBS lookin than nny buddyelso. Ite not proido, however, Hiatus in but self-respeot. At Jeost, we'll cow it that, un ha done wi't.
As luck would havo it noone oth childer coom deawn to disturb us, except th' owdst wench ; so wo had caw broighfuBt quietly ; un aw'll tell th' whole truth, if awm hung for't, wo had to eawr coffeo a little sopo o rum. It wurn't o my orderin, heawover, though ow wur as plebst as Punoh to see it on th' table Sayroh has some strung un ungetoerable rcoson.for supposin that when foak goo tro whoam on th' railroad thoy'ro welly shuro to havo an attack oth bolly wortch aforo they gettin t' far-eend unless thoy tak, aforo stertin, a moashure o preoaushon, an' hnr meashuro o prccaushun is a smaw meashuro o rum. Aw think * that hoo imagines ut th' wotd'n-yoa-caw-it, ut roiBos fro th' injun-feighur, mun act on th' bowels kimmically, so as to produce the' grolpos. Praps some fizzicol felly ut reads my book may have abettor ideo on th* subject than me, un be able to say whether hoo's reot or not.
When th' broighkfust wur oer we geot ready to stert. Aw as aw had to do, UT course, wur to put my hat on, un just gie my cooat a bit uv a brush-that cooat which has biu a friend un protector to me for seven yers. Its made o good durable blue cloth, wi laps uv a gradely length noone o yoar rcawnd-jaoket-cum-cooat out, nor yoar fancy lapB, which give to thooso ut wear um th' appearance uv a greight Coochin China cock, but a pair o respectable serviceable laps, that toper deawn gracefully till they reitch to
th' kowvcs, un whilst ornimontin th' person protect th' logs fro th' woathor. But eawr Sayroh had a deol to do. Hoo hsd to give ordors to th' owdost wench. Hoo mut mako th' childer's porritoh th' fuBt thing, un hoo mut moind un not put too mitoh moiglil in, for thoy didn't loiko um sad j uu thon boo mut givo um aw abeawt a hawvo-a-shoighvo uv a buttyoako, un send um to t' skoo. Thou hoo mut soido up, un draw th' damper oth oon, un at abeawt hawvo-past ton hoo mut put in a prato-pio, whioh hoo'd gotton ready th' ncot boforo for th' dinner; un if anybuddy coom a sperriu for oathor hur fuyther or hur, hoo mutn't loot on whooro thoy wur gono to, but say just that thoy wurn't in, un wouldn't bo till Abet. Thon ith afternoon hoo wur to wash up th' dinner-pots, mond soino stocking, got th* childer somo milk un loaf roady to their baggins ; un hoo mutn't koop too mitoh coal on th' foighur ; nor* hoo mutn't, ©n any okoawnt, havo any ohildor ith heawso to mako durt uu hinder hur uv hur work ; un if any oth ohildor misbohaved thoir 8ol whoilo wo wur away, boo wiir to toll hur w bon wo coom back ; un hoo should happon bring Bonio goody baek wi. hur ; if hoo did, thoose ut behaved thoirsol should ha somo, un thooso ut didn't should ha th' skin flood off um wi th' rod OBtid.
Haviu gono through aw hur list uv instruo" shuns, hoo went through it ogon, stortin fro anothor poighnt ; uu thon ho playod variashuns on difforont oituniB ; un then hoo finisht by appealin to th' wonoh to say whothor or not hoo distinctly un completely undorstood luir. Th' onswor beein satisfactory, hoo procoodod to put on hur best bonnot, whioh is mado o black silk, un, loiko my cooat, howds aw yoar modorn fashuns un iunovashuns in indignant contompt. Somo foak say uz it would look bettor if it wur ICBS loiko a coal-box, un not so lung ith bookot ; but Sayroh dospoisos aw sitoh critics, uu tliinks ut thoy oaw hur bonnot eawt uv a foolin uv
Hoo next goot hur roticulo, not ono o yoar little giin-oraok things, ut th' inventor novor in- tended to boor a biggor burdon than a couplo o oranges, a hawvo-a-poownd o sossongors, au eawnco a tay, a medicino bottle, un n pookot
hankiohor, but a rogular good sorvioablo rooti-. oule, fit to goo to morkit wi-ono whioh, as plain OB if th' words liad bin painted on th' soido on't, said, whon Sayroh hod it in hur hont, " This is a sonsiblo woman uu has a family."
Insoido this rootioulo wur pookt four poork postits, which hoo'd modo th' day boforo, uu in which wur a toothroy pratoos as wool to soawk up tho surplus grossnoss, Thoeso wur to sorvo us for dinner un lunch ; un in addishun wur somo brade un ohooBO for us to mutnblo at, somo prosorvo oakos to moko up oowr moowths wi, uu a stouo bottlo full o rum un wattor.
Neaw, Bobby, hoo says, wkon hoo wur roady i tao that numboroll wi thoo, for if it doosn't look loikoly for rain noaw, thoro's no tellin wot may tak place afore wo got back.
ThoBwrt root, lass, aw soys, but aw should noorha thowt o sitoh a thing. So aw took liowd oth numboroll, whioh is made o groon gingham, un rail whalobooan, un whioh bo lungod to Soyroh's mothor. It wur originally mado to order, un, unloiko thooso woo things ut thoy Bell neaw, ull shelter throo foak vory
wool durin a Bheawr.
Thus wo moroht off to th' railroad stoyshun, Sayroh carryin th' rootioulo un mo th' num. boroll, un aw noatist sovoral oth nayburs lookin after us as wo went doawn th' stroot, un aw thowt thoy wur onvy in us uv oawr journoy.
[IKND OTU HIE ruar oiiArrsn ]
WHEN our desiros aro fulfillod to tho vory letter, wo alwaysflnd somo mistake which ren- dors thom anything but what wo cxpoctod.
THOSE who havo rosouroos within thomsolres, who can dare to livo alono, want frionds tho least, but, at tho same timo, best know how to prizo thom tho most.
THE primitivo dictatos of Naturo in tho np potito, provided that has boon kept healthy and sufficiently onlargod by oxporioncc, aro tho bost
rules wo can obtain for diet.
EOR BOYS.-If you should soo a man digg- ing in a snow drift with tho oxpootatiou of find- ing a valuable ore, or planting Bood on tho rolling billows, you woula say at onoo that ho was besido himself. But in what respect dooB this man differ from you, whilo you sow tho socd of idlonoBS and dissipation in your youth, and oxpeet tho fruits of ago will bo a good constitu- tion, olovatcd affections and holy principles ?
LIFE ÍB a book, in whioh wo every day read o page. Wo ought to denoto down every instruc- tive incident that passes. A crowd of useful, thoughts cannot but flow from solf-eonverBO Hold ovory day a solitary conversation with yourself. This is tho way in wlu'oh to attain tho highest relish of oxistonco; and, if I may so say, to oast anchor in tho river of life-M.
INTELLECTUAI CULTURE.-A cultivated mind may be said to havo infinite storoB of innooont gratification. Everything moy bo mado interest- ing to it, by becoming a subject of thought or inquiry. .Books, rogardod merely as a gratifica- tion, aro worth moro 'than all tho luxuries on earth. A tasto for literature seourcs cheerful occupation for the unemployed «nd languid hours of lifo ; and how many persons in thoso hourn, for wnnt of innocent roBOurcos, aro now impelled to coarse and brutal pleasure How many young mon can bo found in this oity who, unaccustomed to find a companion in a book, and strangors to intellectual activity, ara almost driven in tho long dull evenings of winter to haunts of intemperance and dopraving society.
POWERS o» THE ANOELS.-Thoso who look interiorly into tho causes of things, know that all the power which man has, is from his under- standing and will, for without them bo cannot movo a particle of his body, understanding and will boing his spiritual man. This actuates the body and its members at its pleasure ; for what it thinks, that tho mouth and tongue spook, and what it wills, this the body acts ; it also gives powers at pleasure The will and understand- ing of man are ruled by the Lord through angels and spirits; and because the will and understanding aro so rulod, all things of tho body aro also, since those are from thonco ; and if you will bolicvo it, man cannot even stir a step without the influx of heaven. Every man is so rulod, and ho may know this from the doctrino of the Ohuroh and from the Word, for ho prays that God would send his angels, who may lead him, direct his steps, teach him, and inspire what ho should think and what ho should speak, and much moro, although whon ho thinks by himself without doctrine, ho says and believes otherwiso. That the angels also have power in the natural world, when it is granted, is cvidont from the Word ; as that they gave whole armies to destruction; that they brought a pestUonco, of which seventy thousand mon died ; of which angel it is thus read : " The angel stretched out his right hand against Jerusalem to destroy it, but Jehovah repenting the evil, said to the angel who destroyed the people, It is enough, withold now thy hand. And David saw the angel who smote the people." -2 Sam. xxîv. Besides other passages, the angels, becauso they have such power oro called powers ; «s in David : " Bless Jehovah, ye angels, moBt powerful in strength,"-Ps. eui. But it is to bo known that the angels hove no power at all from themsolvcs, but that all the power they have is from tho Lord ; and that they are eo far powers as they acknowledge this,
-Old Author. I
THE Royal Albert Hall of Arts and Sciences, the first stone of whioh was lately laid by the Queen, is to bo oreotod on tho plot of land, at Kensington, adjoining the gordons of tho Royal Horticultural Society, and opposite to the national memorial of the Prince Consort now in course of orootion in Hydo Park.
FALSE GEMS.-A rocont workon diamonds and othor prooious stonos says that but a small por- tion of the gems sold and worn aro gonuino. Tho diamond minos of Golconda aro giving out, and thoso of India aro ropidly failing. Tho Boaroity of real gems has been met by tho in- genuity of oountorfoitors, who manufacturo spurious goms that froquontly decoivo export connoisseur's. Largo quantitios of falBe goms aro mado in Birmingham and Paris, and Bhippod East, whoro the Oriontals sell them to orodulous Europoan travellers as the real article.
NAPOLEON'S CANNON is under trial at Vin oonnos in profound seorooy, trusted officers alone boing allowed to handle it, without tho aid of soldiers. It is a ooppor pioco of small calibro, Baid to mako 12 to 15 discharges por minuto, on the prinoiplo of tho neodlo gun. Anothor roport-hardly worth ropoating-says it is dis- charged 40 to 50 timos a minute, carries with aoouraoy 2,000 yards, and would destroy the whole front of a battalion at a singlo firo. Tho only hint-if it bo so much-givon of its con- struction, says that it is oporatod by " a sorios of mctallio disks and a tourniquet."
CHARRED WOOD is inflammable in proportion to the lownoBB of tho tomporaturo at whioh it has been roduccd. For gunpowder, tho char- coal is mado vory slowly, at a low tomporaturo, and consoquontly IIOB a vory low igniting point, roquiring grout caro to provont its igniting spontaneously. It ¡B said that by taking years for tho process, at a proportionally low hoot, tho dried and shrunkon libro, ponotratod ovorywhoro by air, will Ígnito ata tomporaturo not far abovo that of boiling water. A oharooal suffioiontly inflammablo to bo roadily ignited by burning popor or shavings, would bo a great domoBtic oou vonionco for lighting authracito coals, instead of kindling wood,givingequal amounts of boating power ; and tho cost of slow charring, with cheap fuol and ohomiciil aid, on a largo scalo, could hardly bo moro, wliilo thoro. would bo a saving in froight, and a groat advautogo in tho prompt offioionoy of tho article
WEAPONS or WAR.-Tho firing of tho Ohoso pot riflo hns astonished the Emperor of tho Fronoli by its dostruotivonoBs. In two minutos a battalion of 500 mon, at 600 yards from tho mark, had fired 8,000 balls, of which 1,992 had struok tho liuo of aim. The ground in front of tho mark was so cut up thal not n bindo of grass could bo soon ; nud tho Emporor, porhaps having in his mind's oyo 500 Prussians standing in that dangerous spot, is reported to havo ox claimed, "It is frightful! It ia a massaoro!"
Tho Stoinhol cannon is also said to bo a suocess.
This mysterious weapon, smokoloss and noiso loss, is based on tho application of contrifugal force Tile balls are propelled by tho motion of a oiroular disc. Just as a stoue, whirlod round and round in a schoolboy's sling, loavos it with tromondous volooity, so this rotatory disc propola connon balls with pnorinous mo
THE Popular Science Eevieio contains tho following interesting description of a now ico making machino, invented by a Mr. Tonolli. If somo of our traders would introduoo thom in this oolony, within tho ^next throo or four months, wo aro sure that thoy would command a largo solo :-" Tho invontor oallB it Ûxoglacier roulante. It is a simple motallio oylindor,
mounted on a foot. Tho salt of soda and tho
salt of ammonia aro addad in two operations ; tho Bmollor oylindor containing tho water to bo frozou is introduced into tho interior, and tho orifico is olosod by an indiarubbor diso, and then by a oovor fostonod 'with u catch ¡ tho oylindor is thou placod in a sao, or caso of cloth, and it is mado to roll on tho tablo with n slight osoilhvtory movomont givon by tho hand. After a lapso of ton minutos, tho water in tho intorior of tho oylindor booomos o beautiful oylindor of ice Nothing is moro simplo, moro economical, or moro oflloaeious than tho now, glacier roulante, which costs 10f,, and givos IIB moreovor, what could not hitherto bo obtainod with an apparatus containing freozing mixtures -tho moans of froozing a docantor of wntor or n bottlo of ollhmpogno. Tho apparatus, in a case, paokod for travolliug, with twenty kilo- grammes of rofrigorating materials and a moa sure, costs, at present, only £1."
THE NEW RAILROAD CONSTRUCTOR,-Tho following description of this romarkablo maohino ¡B from tho San Francisco Bulletin:-Tiro framo of the machino is 60 fcot long, 8 foot high, and 12 foot in width ; and, with its trus sos, struts, and tio rods has the appoaraneo of tho skeleton of a woodon bridgo placod on a low railway t'ruok. The framo, howovor, is only supported ovor the truok wheels ono-third of its loiigth; the forward part of tho framo, wliioh is two-thirds of tho whole, overhangs tho ground on which tho t'raok is to bo laid. To prosorvo tho balanco of tho appnratus, tho heavy stringers, which give strength to tho maohino, tapor gradually to tho front, so thnt without tho engine oud boiler, or any load of tios, rails, or other ballast, thoro is no possibility of its lipping forward. Whon completed it will havo a ton-horse powor ongino botwoon the two supporting truoks, and with twenty or thirty rails laid longthwayB, and a ton or two of lios stored transvorsoly at tho extremo rear, tho sus- pended portion, whon tho ooncorn is in motion, will bo as firm and Bolid as if supported on wheels the ontiro distance- As tho maohino travels forward, it will move on rails of its own laying, lu front of tho machino is a plough, whioh lovols tho ground for'tho pormanont way. Tho tios aro brought from tho book over tho machino and abovo tho hoads of tho workmen by two ondloss chains, and aro laid ou tho ground in front oxoctly in tho position required. On oaoh sido of tho motivo powor, on the roar of the platform, aro tho stacks of rails, whioh aro picked up singly by clamps conncctod with a hoisting apparatus, raised to a sufficient hoight, and while in suspension oro run forward by moons of overhead cars and traoks till thoy hang ovor tho spot thoy aro destined to occupy. The ohairs aro slipped over tho rail ends as thoy travel, and at a signal by tho foreman tho rails aro loworod by machinory to thoir places. Tho chairs have thon only to bo nailod firmly to tho woodwork, tho spikes drivon home, and tho work is oomploto and the maohino moves on over tho road it has just construotod. Fresh ties can bo constantly supplied by tho track behind without stopping tho work. Whon tho grado risos or descends, tho front of the machine can bo elevated or depressed by a system of rods and screws to a nicoty. The constructor will, if necossary, turn itself on a radius of 200 foot. The position of the managing enginoer is on a platform built abovo the heavy framing of the machino, whero, housed as comfortably as the pilot of a river steamer, ko can overlook al! the machinory in tho work, direct and control and survoy the ground ahead, and view tho finished line bohind. Tho machine requires twenty mon to keep it in operation ; and it is Baid that if worked with tbrco shifts of hands, day and night, it will do six times as much work as throo timos tho number of mon can without. its aid. It will revolutionise the system of rail- road construction, laying a traok from six to twolvo milos por day.
THE Massachusetts courts know how to treat pickpockets. A batch of the rascals have just boon sont to the penitentiary for tea years each.
. THE Governor of New Mexico got caught in a tornado as ho was riding in a coach, wheoh blew tho drivor forty feet from his seat, hurled great stonos through the air, and would havo blown away tho coach, had not the drivor and Governor fastened it with chains to a tree, and then got inside it for protection. A pleasant
climate that must bo.
THE DEPOPULATING INFLUENCE OF LARGE ARMIES.-M. Leonoe do Lavergne has shown, in a rocont publication, that at all periods the movement of the population in France has followed exactly tho proportion of the strength of tho army. During the first years of the restoration, when the military contingent was only 40,000 men, the population mado rapid progress, whioh was arrested when the contin- gent grew to 80,000 ; when it was 100,000 the diminution became " disastrous," and in 1854, I and 1855, when the contingent was raised to 1140,000 there was a positive decrease.
A.StTFriEï«A Royal proclama
t declares that, u. tno
American colonies slTUboone ddmimon, with the name of Canada. \jarth<¡í) it nam0'3 the
Sonates for the differentv^^,.,,^¿.
AROMAN CATHOLIC PX0P 0¿ BIIUALISK.
-A correspondent of the i"-I8J writin fcom Naples, reports a convorsatio he ha8 bad ^^ " ono of tho most distinguisheVRoman OathoUo prelatesi of England,"on tho subwoCritualism> The bishop said : " Wo think tha\tho r¡tutuÍ8ts do not know what thoy are abouv ^¡¡y are trifling with the fringe of the manl, without laying hold of the substance of it. R}oe(i w0 liken thom to cliildron who are pla,;,,«' aj¡ priests, and who invont and distort, andmait0 miatakos as they co on. It may, howover^naii to somothing. It moy persuado some of th.jj to tho study of antiquity, and, if it doos, it w11
bring thora baok to tho bosom of the Church. Bossuot, who long ago predicted somothing of tho kind, was of opinion that religious antiquity would bo moro accurately studied by our countrymen, and that England would onoe moro rotura to Mother Ohuroh. At present, howoror, ritualism is moro ohild'B ploy, a mere imitation of externals, and, like all imitations, bad. Many young porsons of imaginative tomporanionts aro attracted by it, but after a time bocomo woariod of it, and lapse into gonoral indifforenco to religion. If thoy could bo induced to study antiquity, the result would bo difforont, and wo hopo that Hw timo may como."' Alluding to the inventions and the ex- travagant imitations of tho ritualistio florgy, tho bishop added :-"Thoy oro like a judgo on the bonoli, with tho book of tho law opon boforo thoro, but without any knowledge of the traditions of thoir profession, consequently they often commit many gross absurdities. I will illuBtrato this by ono or two anecdotes re- lated to mo by a lady of rank. Dr. , on one occasion, whon giving absolution, laid two koys crossed on tho hoad of tho ponitont-a puro iuvontion without precedent, and without any apparaît objoot. On another oooasion a poison wishing for absolution from tho same clorgyman, and boing unablo to prcsont himsolf or hoi'solf, wrote to ascertain if it could bo communicated by letter. Tho answer was favorablo, and I tako it for granted that con- fession as woll as absolution w as sont through tho post. Now, it is well-known that in pur Ohui'oh, whioh is tho objcot op imitation, the Eroscnco of tho ponitont is absolutely necessary
oforo tho priost ; and I givo you theso anecdotes
to show that wild inventions und unauthorised
praoticcs aro adopted by mon who, whilo think- ing thoy imitate, follow no rulo or prccodont whatovor. lu my own oxporionoo Bovoral per- sons among tho ritualists havo como to mo asking for absolution, but I told thom I could do nothing for thom-thoy must go through a rogular oourso of preparation boforohand. No! ritualism is at prosont nothing but ehildron's play-thoy aro toying with tho fringo ; but, on tho condition I mention, it may lead to somo- thing."
FRENCH LADIES AND THE SULTAN.-A fow
days ago tho Sultan gavo audionco at the Elysée
to a oortuiu number of ladios of rank. Either
ho docs not speak French at all, or ho spoaks it so iudiff'orontly that ho profors conversing through an interpreter ; and the interpreter is Fuud Puoha, who is an oxoollont Fronohinan, or was so somo twonty years back. During the intorviow, ono of the ladios obBorvcd playfully to his Highness, by way no doubt of enhancing tho favor of tho visit sho paid him, that sho had always been in tho habit of roooiving the highoBt porsonagos, and often had kings and priuoos in hor salons who paid tho first visit to lior, whoreas in tho prosont instanco the practice was rovorsod. Tho Sultan answorod, or at least his intorprotor answorod for him, that he con sidorod Franco to bo a boautiful woman, and that as ho WOB tho first Ottoman Sovoroign who had over visited it, tho obligation whioh gallan- try imposos was duly fulfilled by him.
LATEST FROM MOORLAND.-Thoro bos boon
troublo in tho moon. A volcano has disappeared thoro-on immonso ooncorn, that had o mouth thirty-Bix thousand foot in diamoter, and a base eovoring many Bquaro milos. Astronomers had boon acquainted with it over ainco 1Ï88, and woro of courso vory sorry to lose it. Mr. Schmidt, director of tho royal obBorvatory in Athens, who was tho first to roport it as missing, sooms to hove rogrottod its disappoaranco as if it had boon a personal friend. Ho had watched it olosoly for yoars, and had become quito attaohodto it. The thoory is, that tho contents of tho orator ran ovor at its brim, tho immense flood of lava converting tho prooîpitous sides of tho burning mountain into a gentle doolivity in othor words, that tho surrounding country was lovolod up, not tho aoolivity lovolod down. This thoory may bo right or wrong, but thoro is no doubt that tho enormous protuboranco has vanished. On a certain night, in October last, Mr. Schmidt wont over it-tolosoopioally. On anothor cortain night, in Ootober, ho directed his Ionses to the spot whoro it ought to havo boon, but it was not thoro, nor could ho soe a fragment of it. Ho rubbod tho orystollino lons of Ilia oye, and tho vitrious lonsos of his tube, and tried again. But thoro was 110 salient point
to bo soon-tbo volcano had " vamosod." Othor astronomers followed suit, with the somo result; and thoro is now no mannor of doubt that a lunar
volcano as big as .¿Etna, Vesuvius, and Strom- boli put together, has oithor boon engulfed or oxplodod, or Bmothorod in its own lava. Probably nobody is tho worse for tho catastro- phe, as it sooms almost cortain that tho moon is uninhabited. Rocont observations and experi- ments havo all but domonstratod that it is airless and watorloss, and, consequently, incapa bio of supporting animal life. The side of tho
planot visible to us is a moro congorios of vol- . canoes and tho debris of volcanooB ; and, as far OB ono can judgo from such a distanoo, the orb is of no uso whatovor oxcopt as a lantern to tho earth and a mark for .sentimental sonneteers to sing at.
THE EPPECT OP MARRIAO-B.-DoubtlosB you havo remarked with satisfaction how the little
odditioB of mon who marry rathor lato in life aro Erunod away speedily after thoir marriage You
aro found a man who used to bo shabbily and oarolossly drossod, with a huge shirt collar frayed at tho edges, and a glaring yellow silk pockot-handkorchiof, brokon of thoso things, and become a pattern of nootnoss. You havo soon a man whoso hair and whiskors woro ridiculously out, speedily bocomo liko other human beings. You have soon a clorgyman who wore a long board, in a littlo while appoar without one. You liuvo soon a man who used to sing ridicu- lous sentimental songs leave thom off. You havo soon a man who took snuff copiously, and who generally had his breast covored with snuff, abandon tho vilo habit. A wifo is the grand wioldor of the moral pruning-knifo. Had Johnson'B wifo livod thoro would have been no
hoarding up bits of orange-peel ; no touching all the posts in walking along the street ; no eating and drinking with a disgusting voracity. If Oliver Goldsmith had beon marriod ho would novor havo worn that memorable and ridiculous coat. Whonever you find a man whom you know littlo about oddly drcsBbd, or talking ridiculously, or exhibiting any eccentricity of manner, you may bo Büro ho is not a married man, for tho littlo oornors are rounded-off, the little shoots uro prunod away, in marriod men. Wives generally havo much moro sense than (heir husbands, especially when thoir husbands are olovor men. The wifo's advioos are Uko the
ballast thot keeps the ship steady. They are like tbo wholesome, though painful shears, snip- ping off little growths ot solf-oonceit and folly.
A " NICE " MAN.-By profound rescaroh, I havo been able to evolve a Btudy of 'a nico man. In the first placo, ho must earn a superfluously large income, and nover have anything to do beygnd going about to see things. He must be keen and strong, and always suavely _ smiling; an eminent thinkor, so that all his female rolatives may bo distinguished by being conuec-» ted with him; but with all his faculties at leisure to turn over musió, opon doors, and decide questions of obina and carved ivory. Ho must have a fine sense of tho feminine beauty hidden in his own immediate cirolo, but must nover have the moat distant perception that any other woman is decent-looking. Lastly, his internal organisation must be specially con- structed with a view to his subsisting entirely on cakes and ices.-Argosy for June. 4